Finding my own self.

These last few months, via some unfortunate events, I've gone through a tremendous change. The glasses. The hair. The outlook. The weight loss. The clothes. That's all well and good. Yet it is all still confusing to me. There's many aspects of my old self that I still love, and always will. Anime, scifi-fantasy, rock-alternative music, dark movies, and others. Yet I am being encouraged to change it to be more ... mainstream. More appealing. More grown-up. More take-home-to-meet-the-family, if you will. More mainstream gay, even. Dolce & Gabbana, Madonna, iPhone, Queer As Folk, Lexus ... that kind of stuff. Now ... some of those changes were necessary, and do make me feel better about myself. I was quite a mess, and not in a good way. Scott was certainly rooting for me to change, and make me into a more sophisticated man in a gay world. Or at least, the gay world he is in. Being who I am, I resisted every step of the way (yep, I'm a stubborn dick).

However, upon going through his 'unemployment' phase, he's backed off quite a bit. No longer do I have to redo my wardrobe from scratch. Now its just creating a companion wardrobe with a few key pieces for a hot night out in LA. That certainly is appealing, but the pricetag isn't! And its certainly not my personal taste. I look like another queer clone. And we're not even talking furniture and cars yet, or dropping anime from my existence!

But lately I've come to the realization that I've got to find a middle ground. I've got to redefine my life and complete it with stuff that is still me, yet will be appealing to others. I'm not giving up anime for anyone. Yet I do enjoy getting some nice new clothes. This will be quite a challenge, and an expensive one at that! I am me. And I am not Scott, or his boyfriend, and I don't live in his world (LA). I'm still not quite sure how to accomplish this, because I'm not used to focusing on myself. Not in this manner, anyways. I don't like juggling acts like that, but I'm doing the best I can. I have no patience. And the more I see myself changing, the more I find myself becoming quite bitter with the world. And why? Because I feel I am being judged on from the outside. Because I feel I must conform. Not good. Not good at all. Why am I doing this to myself?

I don't know.

Okay okay. End of endless schpeal. It gets old. You probably wanna stab me now, then stab yourself because the pain is still there.

A productive weekend, and a new discovery.

I was a busy boy this weekend. Truth be told, I was in a very lazy mood, but things needed to get done. So what did I do? Well, for starters, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. That includes mopping the entire floor, even where Sable's litterbox is. I seriously hate mopping, but it way overdue. Its amazing how much dust is actually present indoors. While I was at it, I also mopped the kitchen floor and did a load of laundry. Then I went online to pay a few bills and reorder checks. I had brunch with Scott on Sunday, and also wandered down to The Forum Shops at Caeser's Palace to get a pair of shoes. Well, I never got the shoes, but I did get 4 items of clothes on sale. Probably spent way too much money, but I did make a great discovery: I'm even smaller now. I now wear Small tops and 30 hip/30 inseam jeans. If it was my waist, I'm guessing a 29. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I no longer have a fat layer to grab under my jaw. I consider it a good thing. Now I have to keep the weight off ( I want to lose another 10lbs), and stop impulse shopping.

Peau Très Sèche.

That means 'Extremely Dry Skin' in French, and that's exactly what I have. Its bad. I can put lotion on my hands six times at work, and when I get home, they'd be white, dry and flaking. Its been like that for months. Well, I finally broke down and got the Hemp Hand Protector (and accompanying Moisture Gloves) from The Body Shop. They're expensive, but they do work. They're water resistant, so I don't have to reapply everytime I visit the restroom. And the fragrance is slowly growing on me. I'm gonna have to try the rest of their Hemp products, since my skin and lips are always dry ( and I seriously hate Carmex).

New denims in my wardrobe.

Well, just one. It's been awhile since I last bought any new jeans. I think the last time was even before all that visa fiasco. And even then, they were always boot cut and slightly loose. Well, since then, I've lost quite a bit of weight, and every pair of jeans I have don't fit anymore. In fact, they started getting annoying. I decided to fix that today, by going to the Forum Shops at Caeser's Palace to hunt some denims and Guess and A|X. After trying out both stores and determining my size (I am now a size 32, two sizes smaller), I finally settled on a pair of distressed straight cut stretch denims from A|X. These jeans leave NOTHING to the imagination, and looks good without a belt. And as a bonus, they were on sale for 2/3 of the original price. So now, I have ONE pair of jeans that fit me right. I'll have to get a few more and replace my old ones.

The VSP payoff.

Well, today was the day. Scott and I went to get my new glasses, and then we ate lunch.

Well, I'm starting to like them. When it came time to select a frame (way back before I actually did do it), I decided that I wanted a change. And I went ... black plastic frames. I never thought I would go back to black plastic frames...not since my horrible childhood days when I had to wear glasses, with the cheap frames. Of course I didn't have much say in what frames I got, since I wasn't paying for them. Plastic to metal-wires, and back to plastic again. Also, since glasses are an expensive necessity, I decided not to cut corners. Besides, Wal-Mart and Lenscrafters wouldn't accept VSP.

So what did I get? Well..my prescription went up a teensy bit. One step closer to being legally blind. Yay. But for the specs...Hi-Index (to keep them thin) transition lenses. In a Joseph Abboud JA142 frame that actually fits my face and doesn't try to squeeze it to death. The frames also have a spring skeletal support system, which offers some flexibility so that the frames are not so rigid. That way, they don't get damaged as easily. The transition lenses are awesome. In about 10 seconds, they've completely switched over to sunglasses mode.

Now we'll see how long they last. Haha. In the meantime, AoD is still down...*sigh~*