Finding my own self.

These last few months, via some unfortunate events, I've gone through a tremendous change. The glasses. The hair. The outlook. The weight loss. The clothes. That's all well and good. Yet it is all still confusing to me. There's many aspects of my old self that I still love, and always will. Anime, scifi-fantasy, rock-alternative music, dark movies, and others. Yet I am being encouraged to change it to be more ... mainstream. More appealing. More grown-up. More take-home-to-meet-the-family, if you will. More mainstream gay, even. Dolce & Gabbana, Madonna, iPhone, Queer As Folk, Lexus ... that kind of stuff. Now ... some of those changes were necessary, and do make me feel better about myself. I was quite a mess, and not in a good way. Scott was certainly rooting for me to change, and make me into a more sophisticated man in a gay world. Or at least, the gay world he is in. Being who I am, I resisted every step of the way (yep, I'm a stubborn dick).

However, upon going through his 'unemployment' phase, he's backed off quite a bit. No longer do I have to redo my wardrobe from scratch. Now its just creating a companion wardrobe with a few key pieces for a hot night out in LA. That certainly is appealing, but the pricetag isn't! And its certainly not my personal taste. I look like another queer clone. And we're not even talking furniture and cars yet, or dropping anime from my existence!

But lately I've come to the realization that I've got to find a middle ground. I've got to redefine my life and complete it with stuff that is still me, yet will be appealing to others. I'm not giving up anime for anyone. Yet I do enjoy getting some nice new clothes. This will be quite a challenge, and an expensive one at that! I am me. And I am not Scott, or his boyfriend, and I don't live in his world (LA). I'm still not quite sure how to accomplish this, because I'm not used to focusing on myself. Not in this manner, anyways. I don't like juggling acts like that, but I'm doing the best I can. I have no patience. And the more I see myself changing, the more I find myself becoming quite bitter with the world. And why? Because I feel I am being judged on from the outside. Because I feel I must conform. Not good. Not good at all. Why am I doing this to myself?

I don't know.

Okay okay. End of endless schpeal. It gets old. You probably wanna stab me now, then stab yourself because the pain is still there.

A call to Atlanta

I had one more assignment this weekend. I had to come up with a list of questions for a Monday morning conference call with Kim and our immigration attorney. Quite a few coincidences here. Both she and my previous lawyer are in Atlanta, I used to work, live, school and play in Atlanta, and their office is just 10 minutes from where I used to live in Atlanta. Anywho, we got our questions answered. Labor Certification. I-140. I-484. H1B. Traveling. What's new and recent. All of that. The process will be long and silly (not to mention costly). But the ends are worth the means to get there. And that is what I have to keep focused on.

A productive weekend, and a new discovery.

I was a busy boy this weekend. Truth be told, I was in a very lazy mood, but things needed to get done. So what did I do? Well, for starters, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. That includes mopping the entire floor, even where Sable's litterbox is. I seriously hate mopping, but it way overdue. Its amazing how much dust is actually present indoors. While I was at it, I also mopped the kitchen floor and did a load of laundry. Then I went online to pay a few bills and reorder checks. I had brunch with Scott on Sunday, and also wandered down to The Forum Shops at Caeser's Palace to get a pair of shoes. Well, I never got the shoes, but I did get 4 items of clothes on sale. Probably spent way too much money, but I did make a great discovery: I'm even smaller now. I now wear Small tops and 30 hip/30 inseam jeans. If it was my waist, I'm guessing a 29. I have no idea how much I weigh, but I no longer have a fat layer to grab under my jaw. I consider it a good thing. Now I have to keep the weight off ( I want to lose another 10lbs), and stop impulse shopping.

Peau Très Sèche.

That means 'Extremely Dry Skin' in French, and that's exactly what I have. Its bad. I can put lotion on my hands six times at work, and when I get home, they'd be white, dry and flaking. Its been like that for months. Well, I finally broke down and got the Hemp Hand Protector (and accompanying Moisture Gloves) from The Body Shop. They're expensive, but they do work. They're water resistant, so I don't have to reapply everytime I visit the restroom. And the fragrance is slowly growing on me. I'm gonna have to try the rest of their Hemp products, since my skin and lips are always dry ( and I seriously hate Carmex).

FIERCE!

So Amy Poehler recently did a skit on SNL on Christian Siriano, the recent victor of Project Runway Season 4. The (then) 21 year old prodigy of fashion certainly deserved his win, with what was shown at Fashion Week. It was a very couture, dramatic and avant-garde collection. Then again, his antics throughout the season was quite a sight, and Amy captured it really well. Enjoy!

Green means GO!

Last weekend was quite interesting. It all began on Friday, when Kim called me into HR. I went in, hoping to hear some good news. Well, I heard some not-so-good news instead. While nothing was confirmed, she informed me that there were 2 obstacles to me obtaining my Permanent Residence through the company. 1) Having to prove that they cannot find suitable candidates to do my job, and 2) Having only a year left on my current H1B. These were serious stumbling blocks, and I was advised to email her throughout the weekend if I find out any additional information. Needless to say, the rest of my day was not in the best spirits.

Surprisingly, I didn't spend too much time this weekend doing research. The way I saw it, what I find in an hour was probably going to be all I am going to find on my own. I posted on an forum with an immigrations section, and did my own internet research. I forwarded all I found to Kim. One interesting item I found was the dates on my previous H1Bs. My first H1B started 01/01/04, which means my 6-year limit should be 01/01/10, 9+ additional months after my current H1B expires on 03/13/09. That would certainly help with the second problem. As for the first, I am sure the attorneys can find a way around it. After all, law is language.

Monday morning comes along, and I am made aware of a third obstacle: Money. Between extending my current H1B, the attorney fees, and money required to apply for a green card, that would be $10000+! That wasn't hot news at all! But ... after lunch, I get an email asking me to come down to HR. There, I learn that Jeremy, my Creative Director, convinced Kim and Ellen (one of the top honchos on the corporate ladder) that I am a worthy investment. Thus, they are going to go ahead and file for my Permanent Residence. That just made my week, even if the week hasn't happened yet! Granted, there is still the issue of eligibility, time, payments and loyalty after obtaining the card. Be it a reduction in salary or a payment plan, I am still ecstatic to hear the good news. I will be my employer's first green card applicant.

The process will be long, and probably quite costly. But after all I have been through, through school and all the jobs I held after school (not to mention all the immigration hassles that came with it), it will be worth it. Its extremely gratifying to know that you've achieved enough experience and skills to have an employer file for a green card on your behalf. That says a lot. Many aren't as fortunate as I have been, and I am extremely honored and grateful for such a chance.

Now I have to think of suitable gifts to Jeremy, Ellen and Kim. Suggestions?

New denims in my wardrobe.

Well, just one. It's been awhile since I last bought any new jeans. I think the last time was even before all that visa fiasco. And even then, they were always boot cut and slightly loose. Well, since then, I've lost quite a bit of weight, and every pair of jeans I have don't fit anymore. In fact, they started getting annoying. I decided to fix that today, by going to the Forum Shops at Caeser's Palace to hunt some denims and Guess and A|X. After trying out both stores and determining my size (I am now a size 32, two sizes smaller), I finally settled on a pair of distressed straight cut stretch denims from A|X. These jeans leave NOTHING to the imagination, and looks good without a belt. And as a bonus, they were on sale for 2/3 of the original price. So now, I have ONE pair of jeans that fit me right. I'll have to get a few more and replace my old ones.

Hello NV Residency!

Today I woke up way too early for a Saturday. Why? because I wanted to go and switch out my Missouri driver's license for a Nevada one. They say you're supposed to do it within 30 days of moving here. Well, I am quite late, since I moved here early January 2007, but I didn't have the necessary documents to get it done either. Well, now I do, and I had no excuse to not get it done. Plus, I was slightly over my 30 days being back in the US. Luckily, the DMV is open on Saturdays was just a 15 minute walk from my place, so it was a nice morning stroll there. Lots of people ahead of in the line before they opened. But once the opened, it was very quick. I was called up in less than 3 minutes upon getting my ticket number. An older gentlemen helped me. He got my name spelled and sequenced right, and mentioned that I have lost weight and looked younger than what my Missouri license indicated. That was really nice of him. Within 30 minutes, I was the owner of a valid, brand new Nevada driver's license. Unfortunately, it will expire in about a year, but that's expected because my H1B expires on that same day too. But, more importantly, it shows that my records are clean, I've done my part to keep current, and I can get into a lot of stuff for free now (Nevada encourages its residents to be a part of the whole experience).

On a side note, HR called me twice on Friday with some questions regarding the next steps. That was a very good thing, as it means they're aware and handling it on their end. I just have to handle my end.

And Gary Gygax rolls a 1 on his saving throw ...

...and now he's a demi-lich. Great. The man that many a geek refer to as the Tolkien of Pen-n-Paper Dungeons & Dragons (along with Dave Arneson) recently passed away due to health complications. RIP. I am forever grateful, as you were one of my many childhood escapism adventures, and you brought to me a wonderful side of fantasy that became the starting point for many a movie, anime, game, novel, and a new geek cult. Surf the Planes, Gygax, and continue your quest for the answers you seek.

Speaking of 陳世維...

This is the original that he did a cover of. I actually like both versions, for different reasons. Daren Tan's m-pop ballad is very well done track for his debut album, and Mandarin is a wonderful language to listen to (and quite a challenge to master). Mêlée's original rock rendition is slightly more dramatic, but still very catchy. And of course, the video is great! Optimism and hope abound! Name as many movies as you can that inspired each love scene. Also, there is a Lounge version of 'Built To Last' which is hauntingly melodic, yet very mellow at the same time. Check Mêlée out at www.meleerocks.com or on iTunes.

Love vs. In Love. What did I experience?

A few days ago, Scott was telling me how lucky he was to have found and experienced love twice. To him, even to this day, he remembers the first times. Its all about the details. The touch. the scent. That feeling of being...just right. I'm sure it was nice. But when he asked me about my loves...I could not recall such a feeling.

Now, that does sound mean, and I'll grant you that. But it is the truth. Don't take it the wrong way, or out of context. Did I love Michael? Yes I did, and in many ways I always will. He was my first long-term relationship, which lasted four years. We had some good times, we had some great times, and we had some bad times. Overall, I have no regrets about dating Michael. He's been an invaluable source of love, support, inspiration and hope to me. He has taught me a lot that I never knew, and exposed me to thing I never knew existed. College (and the few year after) was bearable, thanks to him. I am forever grateful. But...I can't remember those 'love' details. I remember some of the sillier, goofier things that happened. I remember some of the wonderful times we spent together. I recall our everyday routines. I even remember some of the bad times we had. But I can't really recall all those little things that made my heart flutter, skip a beat, and all that. None. Nada. Zilch. In fact, I don't recall my heart doing anything of that nature. Ever.

Maybe it's just me, and my definition of love and romance. I highly doubt its him (Michael does fall in love fairly easily). After all, I've been called oblivious, unromantic, passionless, apathetic, cold, and in some cases, the straightest gay man in existence. I'm quite sure its possible to love without ever being in love. Perhaps I just don't know what to look out for. I went into a relation with Michael pretty fast, and stayed in it for awhile. As such, while I learned about the gay community, I never really learned how to flirt, or to notice other gay people, or to socialize on my own. I'd rely on the most obvious and/or blatant of clues. After Michael, I went into solitude for almost 5 years. That also did nothing to help that crutch. Today, I'm feeling the result of those years. I'm inexperienced at love, or even recognizing it, and I am totally oblivious. I don't know how to flirt, or even recognize I am being flirted with. I feel like I am a teenager again, having to relearn the basics all over again. Friends love tallying how many times I get flirted with but fail to recognize it. It provides them endless entertainment. And I am sure guys that do flirt with me see my lack of a recognition or response as me blowing them off, which does get old and tired. And let's not even mention my moves (or lack thereof) on the dance floor.

Oh well, better late than never, I suppose. Its just another thing to work on. It's something that no one but myself can solve. We'll see where all these recent changes of mine are going. I've got time, and I'm in no rush. Recognition and acceptance are the first steps towards solving problems.

One more thing. Scott and I are no longer together. Well, in a way, we never were together. We called each other boyfriends, and we didn't sleep with other people, but we never did formally agree to be in a relationship, nor did we do 'couple' stuff. So we have decided to call it what it is: a great friendship. It settles alot of unanswered questions, and we can both move on.

...and then there's £20,000 Thinnovation!

If you thought $3,100 for a Macbook Air was expensive, check this out! Designed by Japanese designer Ayano Kimura, his rendition of the Macbook Air, named the Golden Age, will turn more than a few heads. Only 20 exist, takes a week to construct, and has 12,000 Swarovski crystals, with each crystal having a 24k gold undercoating for extra shine and luster. While I'm not sure what to think of it (other that it will weigh a wee bit more), I am very sure many divas are just squealing in sheer delight. Hopefully, you have great insurance and a vault equipped with wifi and an outlet. Pimp out that sexy Macbook Air, and bring out those Centurion cards!

PS. If you can't do the math, that's about U$D39,750.

A Seattle transplant? Hmm...maybe!

So I've got a friend in Seattle who's quite familiar with Vegas. And why? Because he attends press checks here semi-frequently. A creative Britboy himself, Seattle doesn't seem to be treating him right. So he's considering Las Vegas or Austin. He recently met with a real estate agent later to scope out properties in Vegas. Seems he likes the Green Valley area. During that trip, we also went out to Sushimon on Sahara for a quick dinner and chatted a bit. A fun evening. We shall see where this English chap decides to settle at!

PS. Major props to the weight loss! He's looking great!

There's Thinnovation...

Last weekend, I managed to visit the Apple Store at Town Square,and they had 3 Macbook Airs for the people to go nuts over. Well, true to the word, it is incredibly light. Just enough of what someone on-the-go will need. Wireless capabilities abound. Certainly much faster than the ye olde faithful Powerbook that I am typing on now. And the 64GB SSD option is a fantastic (and preferred) option. SSD is definitely the future of hard drive technology. Nevertheless, while I would love to have one, it's not the right Mac for me (not yet anyways). When the time comes for me to get a new laptop, I'll probably end up getting a really nice Macbook. Still, hats off to the genuises at Apple for coming up with such a stunning machine.

What I don't get is people complaining about what the Macbook Air isn't. Too small a hard drive, lack of a disk drive, too slow a processor, too little ports, too high a pricepoint, etc. Honestly, I think they need to grow up and stop being a picky whiner. You're paying for advanced reduction technology, and with that comes some setbacks. If you don't like it for whatever reason, don't buy it. It wasn't meant for you then, and Apple isn't shoving it down your throat. You can't have the Macbook Pro with the weight and form factor of the Macbook Air, with the pricepoint of a Macbook. Its just not happening! Talk about wanting your cake and wanting to eat it too!

On a sidenote, the iPhones were also fun to tinker with (as was the iPod Touch) and makes me wish I had one, but I am not sure if I am ready to make the switch to AT&T yet. Certainly can't afford the two-year contract, increase in bills, and the cost of the iPhone itself. Maybe one day I will, but until that day comes...

A leap year, and a leap up the ladder.

Work has been BUSY! I've hardly had a spare minute to be lazy, but that's a very good thing! I like keeping myself occupied. Last Friday (2/29/08), I got a pleasant surprise. My (belated) annual review was done that day, and I scored a 3.35 out of 4.00. Not bad. In addition to earning my keep and getting the next steps in my green card started, there's potential for more leadership opportunities, which I gladly welcome. Be it switching clients or progressing further with my existing clients, I'm game. I also got a 4% raise. That was very nice, as my company could have easily not given me a raise due to all that they've done for me already in regards to my H1B. So all said and done, it was a great day and a great start to the weekend.

On a side note, I got quite a nice tax return this year. While I debated spending it on something nice for myself, I think I'm just going to keep the money. Logical rationality wins, and it states that the green card and car comes above all else.

Make Me A Supermodel. OK not exactly.

It's been coming for awhile. I wasn't really happy with where I was going throughout 2007. Maybe it was because I was just lazy and being a cheap ass, but it certainly was because I didn't know which direction to go to or how to get there. Regardless, when it came time for me to go back to Malaysia, it was the perfect opportunity to start the makeover process.

The glasses came a while ago. I'm still very pleased with them. The next thing, and probably the most noticeable, is the hair. I had it cleaned up (but still long) for my interview. As soon as that interview was done, I got that mop of hair chopped up. Literally. Taking quite a bit off and layering the heck out of it, I now sport one of those hairdos you see in anime: a punk, messy bedhead tousle of hair! I like it! So does everyone else. It's been years since my hair was this short. Granted, I now have to get it styled everyday (blowdry, MOVING RUBBER:WILD SHAKE, and hairspray) and get it trimmed every month, but that's the price you pay for style.

My closet is also getting worked on. Between Scott saying I have weird taste, Michael saying my clothes are ill-fitting, and my dad saying my clothes looks poor and cheap...FINE!!! I get the effin' hint! So in addition to slowly weeding out what no longer fits me, is beyond repair, or just plain not-hot on me, I am slowly working on acquiring new pieces to add to it. Be it a replacement or a new division, its all getting worked on. Finding good quality yet affordable pieces that still my sense of edge and style is quite a challenge. Scott is helping me where he can, but of course, he is having a difficult time too. In addition to me having a death grip on my wallet, he is used to dressing cute, little LA asian queens in cute, tight, brand-busting outfits. Naturally, this isn't me at all. So we're working on finding a middle ground. It's proving to be quite a challenge. Ted Baker shirts and Rock & Republic jeans are still out of my league. But I've scored some good deals here and there.

By sheer chance, I've lost weight. I don't see much being lost, but everyone else seems to think I am on a crash course diet. They swear I've lost at least 15lbs! And its apparently visible everywhere, especially on the face. Whatever the amount, I'm glad its gone! I'm trying to keep it off by eating healthy, and portioning my meals, since the gym is still out of my reach. Of course, that also means shopping for new jeans/clothes, and we all know how much I love to shop (NOT!).

I'm not sure where all this is heading. Nevertheless, I do look and feel better. And in the end, I think that is what matters: looking AND feeling good about myself. I'm just going about it the smart way. Or at least, I hope so.

Another constant listen as of late...

I've been listening to 陈世维 Daren Tan's new debut album, 不需理由 (Regardless). I think it's a really good album, with 不需理由 and 明天我不会依然爱你 being my favorites. Despite not understanding 1/2 of each of his songs, I find the whole very relaxing overall, and very catchy. Oh well, that's what happens when you grow up not learning Mandarin but being surrounded by it everyday. Special thanks to Aaron for sharing this with me.

Rat-a-tat-tat '08!

So I missed Chinese New Year by being at home one week too early. It couldn't be helped. The purpose of my trip was to obtain my H1B as quickly as possible. Nonetheless, I managed to squeeze in some time to check out some of the preparations for the upcoming celebration. Here are a few snapshot. They're all in commercial and retail environments. Nevertheless, it shows how we creatively adapt the tradition of Chinese New Year into everything around us. Enjoy.

PS. Unfortunately, I also missed the Chinese New Year Festival in Chinatown Las Vegas. Oh well, next year.