The Grass As Always Greener On The Other Side.

Slow or Stalled ... which am I?

Not too long ago, I had this conversation with two buddies of mine. Am I slow, or am I stalled? It proved to be an interesting conversation, to say the least.

Truth be told, I feel like I am slow. I feel that where I am today, I should have been there 5 years ago, at age 25. It is very difficult to consider myself to be stalled, much less on target or ahead. At age 30, I feel that I shouldn't be without a car. In fact, I should be getting ready to purchase a small condo for myself. Yet, I am still living paycheck-to-paycheck. But perhaps, my comparison base is way off. Supposedly, I need to adjust my age for years in the work force. And I have to take into account other factors that are exclusive to my situation. Going to two schools. Graduating just after 9/11. Immigration issues. Dealing with any low-paying job I could find. Finding the right fit. Moving across the country. For good or bad, they delayed my progression. But what am I comparing myself to?

I consider myself to be on par with anyone else. Especially my work colleagues, who are in the same profession, making about the same as I do. I don't like thinking of myself as an individual of 'exceptional circumstances.' But sadly, I know its also not that simple, and I am only seeing part of the picture. I don't know their debt, their credit score, their housing situation, their investments, their health, their habits, their future plans, or their rainy day backup plans. I can only assume they are in good standing. And that they don't face the issues I am dealing with. I see their physical assets, but I cannot gauge their invisible liabilities.

I know what I have, and what I want to achieve. Despite me being the pessimist that I am, I am still very proud of what I have achieved, and how far I've gotten. I am relatively healthy, and I have zero debt. I don't smoke, drink excessively or have a gambling addiction. I'm not a partier, and am completely drug-free. I have a career that I actually went to school for, that I absolutely love, a fantastic employer that believes in my abilities and takes care of me, to the point of applying for my green card. I survived three downsizing phases. I am putting money aside every month for a car (or rainy day). And I survived almost 3 months of forced 'unpaid leave of absence' on my own money, without resorting to the credit card. I am not obsessed with shopping for designer labels, and I police my expenses to just what I need without losing myself doing so. What I have achieved is certainly difficult to measure, as there's no physical proof of success. But I believe what I have is priceless. You can't measure the value of a green card, career, health or being debt-free. To me and many of my friends, these factors puts me on par, if not above, with my American counterparts.

Of course, its no less frustrating. Being without a car in Vegas is tough. My apartment is empty and looks uninhabited. My family and relatives still view me as failure, because I have no physical proof of success. They certainly don't understand what I do, or how I live my life, much less what I consider to be a success. The definitely can't fathom me loving or being happy with my job. But what they can (and love) doing comparing me to my cousins. Or to the children or such-and-such person that they know. There is definitely a BIG double standard (and unrealistic expectations) going on there, but I'll keep that to myself. No matter what, I respect my sister and all my cousins, and will never judgement on them personally. Of course, there are also many others that are less fortunate than me, which is a factor I sometimes fail to consider.

Yes, I am overly hard on myself, and I always will be. I grew up with high standards, and those are permanently ingrained into my thick skull. I don't like seeing myself as stalled, but that's probably the case. I hate having to deal with factors that are beyond my control, but I don't really have a choice. I am still quite far off from where I want to be (or perceive where I should be), but I am in no rush. I have a plan in mind, there's just no timeline. I'm doing things the right way. Why? Because that makes me feel better. At the end of the day, it's all about me. I have to make my own path in life. And that is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination.

Now...vodka. Skyy 90, to be precise.