Love vs. In Love. What did I experience?

A few days ago, Scott was telling me how lucky he was to have found and experienced love twice. To him, even to this day, he remembers the first times. Its all about the details. The touch. the scent. That feeling of being...just right. I'm sure it was nice. But when he asked me about my loves...I could not recall such a feeling.

Now, that does sound mean, and I'll grant you that. But it is the truth. Don't take it the wrong way, or out of context. Did I love Michael? Yes I did, and in many ways I always will. He was my first long-term relationship, which lasted four years. We had some good times, we had some great times, and we had some bad times. Overall, I have no regrets about dating Michael. He's been an invaluable source of love, support, inspiration and hope to me. He has taught me a lot that I never knew, and exposed me to thing I never knew existed. College (and the few year after) was bearable, thanks to him. I am forever grateful. But...I can't remember those 'love' details. I remember some of the sillier, goofier things that happened. I remember some of the wonderful times we spent together. I recall our everyday routines. I even remember some of the bad times we had. But I can't really recall all those little things that made my heart flutter, skip a beat, and all that. None. Nada. Zilch. In fact, I don't recall my heart doing anything of that nature. Ever.

Maybe it's just me, and my definition of love and romance. I highly doubt its him (Michael does fall in love fairly easily). After all, I've been called oblivious, unromantic, passionless, apathetic, cold, and in some cases, the straightest gay man in existence. I'm quite sure its possible to love without ever being in love. Perhaps I just don't know what to look out for. I went into a relation with Michael pretty fast, and stayed in it for awhile. As such, while I learned about the gay community, I never really learned how to flirt, or to notice other gay people, or to socialize on my own. I'd rely on the most obvious and/or blatant of clues. After Michael, I went into solitude for almost 5 years. That also did nothing to help that crutch. Today, I'm feeling the result of those years. I'm inexperienced at love, or even recognizing it, and I am totally oblivious. I don't know how to flirt, or even recognize I am being flirted with. I feel like I am a teenager again, having to relearn the basics all over again. Friends love tallying how many times I get flirted with but fail to recognize it. It provides them endless entertainment. And I am sure guys that do flirt with me see my lack of a recognition or response as me blowing them off, which does get old and tired. And let's not even mention my moves (or lack thereof) on the dance floor.

Oh well, better late than never, I suppose. Its just another thing to work on. It's something that no one but myself can solve. We'll see where all these recent changes of mine are going. I've got time, and I'm in no rush. Recognition and acceptance are the first steps towards solving problems.

One more thing. Scott and I are no longer together. Well, in a way, we never were together. We called each other boyfriends, and we didn't sleep with other people, but we never did formally agree to be in a relationship, nor did we do 'couple' stuff. So we have decided to call it what it is: a great friendship. It settles alot of unanswered questions, and we can both move on.